Things Women Don't Know...

I found this great thread while surfing Football365.com

Some would say it's sexist, others would say its stereotypical. some would say it's tongue-in-cheek, others would swear it's true, but at the end of the day it makes you laugh.

At least I did anyway.

Check out some gems:

Things Women Don't Know...

...how to read maps despite having an A level in geography . (hairymac) (How true...)

...That their muffled screams only turn me on even more. (Professor O 'Rye) (Heh Heh)

...I know a girl who thought the past tense of Squeeze was "Squoze".

And she's a journalist.

Also a different female journo I know couldn't point to Australia on a map (bigmouth)

...I was in a pub once and arguing with my friend saying that I considered Maradonna's goal against England to be the best in any World Cup and a (hot) Argentinian girl came up and hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek (Bananinho) (ZOMG!)

...that you don't have to support one of the teams playing to enjoy watching a game of football (frvegar) (Why can't women understand this eh???)

...My ex didn't know whether the earth revolved around the sun or the sun around the earth. She spent an hour debating this with her flat mate (electrodent)

...How to be reasonable. Or rational. (Willy Mouse)

Conversation about the Twin Towers the other day.

Girl: "See when people were jumping out the windows of the Twin Towers? How did they get the windows open? Cos they wouldn't be able to open them that high - they'd be locked"
Me: "Yeah, but chuck a desk chair at them hard enough they'd break"
Girl: "No they wouldn't, what if they were perspex?"
Me: "Granted, they'd be harder to smash, but chuck something heavy at them hard enough and they'd break"
Girl: "Doesn't matter anyway, if they broke a window near the top of the Twin Towers, they'd be vaccumed out, like on planes" EH? (The Dazzler)

...While dscussing Bullseye the TV programme:

My gf: Is that the one with the hippo on it?

Her mate: yes, that's right.

Me and my mate: no, it's a bull, hence the title and the f**king big horns on it!! (Merson's bookie)

I remember watching The Godfather with an ex before, and there's that bit where Michael talks Italian to Solozzo but there's no subtitles, now I don't look like an Italian major, and wouldn't have a clue what they're saying, and being my gf at the time she'd know that, but still she turns to me and goes "What they saying??" me: "I don't know, I'm not fluent in Italian!" (the neck of tevez)

...The offside rule. Don't ask me every f***ing game, i've already explained it 4324234 times (Egon Spengler) (HOW TRUE IS THAT!)

A girl I worked with didn't know that no matter how much music you put on an MP3 player, it would still weigh the same (ramit and jamit)

...They don't understand Teletext.
...They don't know why Soccer Saturday is so entertaining.
...They don't know that we don't tab our willies with paper after a wee, a lot have no knowledge of the shake and wiggle (urm...)
...They cannot get into their heads that sometimes we would rather watch football in a pub with strangers than sit snuggling on the settee stroking their hair and watching Strictly Come Dancing
...They don't understand how sh*te shopping for furniture is, yes dear that's a lovely throw
...And they certainly don't get that whistling for pleasure really is enjoyable. (Grimandinho)

...I read a woman's magazine the other day, and in it they mentioned that "43% of all men masturbate at least once a week". As if this was a shocking and new discovery.

if only they knew I beat off three times a day, everyday. (the neck of tevez) (Wasn't me.)

...My older sister, who is a teacher, didn't know what a torso was
and she teaches biology (csafc)

...they don't understand the joys of a great big, 20-second long pitch bending fart (ridderz) (Hmmm)

Similar vein.

When the iPhone first came out I showed my gf it on the computer. I explained what it did and how it was touch screen and you scroll through your messages, music, contacts etc. anyway she proceeded to start tapping the picture of the iPhone on my computer screen thinking somehow it would work. I was actually speechless. (Ringo's Drumstick)

...that I spend most nights searching for that one perfect porn scene (veebo) (DEFINITELY doesn't apply to me)

...My missus won't accept the fact that the stars are actually distant suns. She has a masters degree in education. (FatboyTim)

...My ex thinking Brazil was the capital of Spain and her mate calling her an idiot and saying Brazil is in Asia.

My head just went down when they were arguing about that (Leighton)

...doing a conference call once and had to get the participants to login to a website - anyway gave them the details and the access number (to the website) when I heard a 'beep' in my ear and then some woman say it wasn't working. asked her to try it again with the same results - cue a couple of seconds of stunned silence before I go 'are you pressing the keys on your phone rather than typing the number on your keyboard?'

colleagues fall about laughing (Bananinho)

That cricket is played outdoors in hot countries.

Watching the tv and ad for Sky sports winter of cricket comes on...

Doris: "How can they play cricket in the winter?"

Boris: "They play in other countries, like India, West Indies"

Doris: "What indoors?"

Boris: (PabloHoney)

...That I don't exist purely for the purpose of telling them they aren't fat (training slave) (Women just don't get THIS do they)

Have Fun! =)

Groan

You know the feeling of going back to work after 13 days freedom? No?

Well I'll tell you.

The feeling as how Sakban (Sufyan...YanBan... you know, HIM) would say it, IS SUCK. Today for the 1st time in 2 weeks I'm waking up at the time I've been going to bed for the past week, which is 530 am! Grrr. And the best part is I slept at 230am after failing to resist watching England beat Kazakhstan 5-1. And its all because I've got COS duty to do. Geez.

They should make it an illegal crime (is that a redundant word there? HEH) to make Muslims come back to do weekend duty in Hari Raya month. Because I could have been going visiting, or in the case of my family today, hosting an OPEN HOUSE. Of some sorts. Geez.

Anw, talking about visiting. Yesterday I went visiting. To Amri's Abode in Pasir Ris... but not before walking a fair bit to get there. Blame the Pasir Ris planners. Any logical person would assume Streets 51, 52, 53 are lumped together... having found Streets 52 and 53, who would have ever fathomed Street 51 would be located halfway on the other side of the town??? Geez.

So after that I agreed to accompany someone jalan raya..visiting people I don't even know. Yes, that's another buat-macam-sardin-je moment of mine. Turns out one of the people whose house I visited was someone whom I already know... sort of... by accident. And another is someone whom after abit of introductory small-talk I found was the younger sister of my VS friend Ibkaar Darke! Mampos. Ibkaar seh. Of all people... he of the 0h-rumah-aku-3-tingkat-pasal-bapak-aku-jual-apple deadpanned face. It's incredibly freaky how small this world is. And of course... the final house being the seemingly-permanently-menstrual girl's house which left me with a cross-country train ride home back to Tampines at 2230hrs without my Creative Zen to accompany me. Geez. Haha she's so gonna kill me for this. IF she ever reads it =)

And of course, did I mention the aforementioned person got us lost in navigating the way to Ibkaar's sister's place? HAHAHA. Okok I'm using up my 9 lives fast.

Oh well. Back to the dreary routines of army work again. I'm just looking forward to this Wednesday... BOOKOUT! =)

*edit

Something's wrong with the network, or my phone. Because upon reaching camp suddenly my phone has no network, yet at one point suddenly there was, I received backlogged messages, and now the signal's gone again. Only available one is SingTel. If anyone wanna reach me, please be patient and wait till I get my network back... =)

A Series of Unfortunate Oversleeps

I really had every single burning desire to wake up at 7am to go for a run on Wednesday, and asked me mam to wake me up on top of my own alarm clock. And what did me do? Me woke up at 7+, slept somemore, up at 8+, slept again... goodmorning at 10+, you guessed it, I rested somemore and next thing I knw it was 2pm. 0_0 ! The consequence of sleeping at 4am every day... Oh well. Nawaitu nya ada, but Tuhan yang menantukan kan orang cakap. Heh.

And what do you know? Not only did I miss my run, I missed my bike practical which I booked at 230pm! Grumblegrumble. My first bike practical in about 3months and I missed it. That's $20++ down the drain right there.

Followed my sister to go viewing for a potential house that night in Pasir Ris before Raya-ing at Wak Jaafar's. Was all dressed in baju kurung and carrying baby 'Aqil, what with my parents, sister and her hubby all occupied with examining the house... only for once again, someone to bring up the niggling idea in my head that people are starting to see me as a husband and father rather than a growing young man. This time, its the housing agent. A sweet lil lady, she saw me dukung 'Aqil and attempted to make small talk,

"Ni maknye mana? Tak ikut ker?"

She thought 'Aqil was my son and was asking where MY WIFE was! Geez. 2nd time already that someone took me to be 'Aqil's Dadday. This continues the recent unsettling trend of people asking when I'm getting married, or if I'm married yet, or or... ohuknowadimean. Ye Gads! Don't you people get it? I'm too YOUNG.

Ah. Finally I booked AND wokeup early for my bike practical today. In fact, I woke up earlier to go for a run (thanx for the wake-up call Tini! =) ) and was all confident that my booklet and everything was in place... only to discover 30mins before the lesson that the said booklet was in fact, my old Class 3 booklet and that my Class 2B booklet is GONE. That left me with the unenviable task of attending the lesson without a booklet. Geez. And and someone was supposed to have lunch with me, but she conked out instead. Thanks EH Tini.

Jalan Raya tonight! =)

Football Quotes of the Week!

A series of highly entertaining one-liners from...

"A cataclysmic cock-up" - Gary Megson's view of Rob Styles' unfathomable penalty award for Manchester United against his Bolton side.

"Rob turned down four or five for us last year so maybe we got payback today but he still owes us four" - Sir Alex Ferguson's alternative outlook.

"I can't think of any other team in the world who ask you to play against the likes of Dimitar Berbatov, Wayne Rooney, Cristiano Ronaldo and Carlos Tevez, yet we were doing okay and had had the best chance of the game. But unfortunately to that four you had to add Rob Styles" - The final word from the Bolton boss.

"Jeremiah" - Joe Kinnear struggles to identify Geremi.

"I don't think he even shaves" - Wenger considers the growth (or otherwise) of 16-year-old Jack Wilshere, a scorer during the Arsenal kids' rout of Sheffield United.

"I studied Italian five hours a day for many months to be able to communicate with you journalists and you think that I lacked respect. Who is Ranieri to speak? After five years in England he had trouble saying good morning and good afternoon" - Jose Mourinho's scathing response after Claudio Ranieri, his predecessor as Chelsea manager, criticised him for skipping a midweek press conference.

"The Premier League is the best championship in the world right now, in all aspects. All the clubs are very well organised" - But Phil Scolari's Chelsea side is top of the table so he would say that, wouldn't he?

"I have never seen anything like it. It's like a UFO landing" - The bewildered reaction of Watford manager Aidy Boothroyd to the award of the goal-that-wasn't-even-a-goal-kick at Vicarage Road on Saturday

"I wouldn't swap him for anyone at the moment. Except Pele" - Gabriel Agbonlahor damns Aston Villa team-mate John Carew with faint praise: Edson Arantes do Nascimento aka Pele is now 67.

"The start United have had was not because of my absence, because last season we also started badly and I was playing" - Cristiano Ronaldo proves he can be modest.

and the kicker....

"Statistics are like mini skirts: what they reveal is interesting but what they conceal is vital!" - Anonymous

The Many Faces of Hikam (Girl)

Rambut ILOVEJEANNIE sak

Rambut Saloma pe!

Kauz rambut Nani sak. Stoppit Hikam, STOPPIT

Rambut Beverly Hills 90210 la sey!

I make a hideous girl. Lucky I'm a guy.

The Many Faces of Hikam (Guy)

A remarkable application from Nis made me spend hours playing with it.
It's amazing what you can do from THIS...

...to THESE!

Kauz gambar stoppit sak!

Raya at Nis's.

Raya at Nis's. Same day as Raya on my Mom's side but in the evening.

Left-Right: Dzar Mateen Ikam Shazrin Ria

Nit (???) N' Nis

Dzar Nis Mateen

2nd Day Raya Pics

2nd Day Raya on my Mom's side.
Pics from my sis's camera again~

'Aqil excite!

Pak AjiTokcik. Rilekz complete with gumuh on his mouth

Moms, Grandma and Babies

Pak Long's Family with our cousins from JB

Beg Mal's Pose Mauttt...Atok and Cucu

My Grandma, Parents and Nephew

Where the boys gather, the girls focus their attention!

Male cousins and cousins-in-laws. Pic missing my cousins from Brunei, Beg Wan (working), Shahmi (COS duty... stupid army), Abg Yazid (to join later) Raihan (recovering from his misfortune) and Me (stupid army!!!)

'Aqil censored... This pic reminds me so much of myself some 22 years ago!

'Aqil rambut musti mau ikut Uncle Ikam

Beg Mal's Pose Mauttt lagikz

7-Car (Seven! :D) Convoy and the drebas

Female cousins pic with Fikri terselit. Pic missing my female cousins in Brunei

Every single year these '82 babies take their photo without fail!
Kak Syai, Abg Yazid and Kak Husna

'Aqilnye Pipi stoppit sakkk

'Aqil dengan penuh sardin pulls Insyirah's blouse. Da sah lelaki

First Day Raya Pics

1st Day Raya on my Dad's side. Raya w/o parents! =(
Pics from my sis's camera~

My sis's young family

Assalamualaikum!

Newest family member 'Aqil Zhafir

Yet MORE 'Aqil Zhafir... da sah camera my sis... heh

Our best attempt at getting all 3 nephews to sit still and take photoZulhilmi... non-stop mamam

'Aqil dapat duit yay yay!

2nd cousin Insyirah and 'Aqil... malu la boy cry girl tengok

Brothers and closest cousins on dad's side
Typical scene amat... Hilmi going after mamam

Selamat Hari Raya!

My Hari Raya preparations started yesterday... after buka, takbir and solat Maghrib, I drove off to my old haunt Shell to play football with the Clanners. Yes, play football on malam Raya. After a hard day's worth of cleaning, I deserve a bit of fun don't I? And it's at Shell! I haven't played there for a year I think, when it used to be every Saturday night... And besides,wait till you read what I did on pagi Raya. Heh.

I drove to Mak Long's and Bik Neng's houses to collect the lauks they generously wanted to give. Great, now my fridge is stock full of lauks orang kasi that it's enough to eat for 2 weeks, never mind 2 people! Heh. Alhamdulillah rezeki murah. Then I drove my car off to the petrol station to fill 'er up and get her a carwash despite the fact that it was raining so heavily that washing a car is pointless. Yes, I can be slenger like that. I pledged to stay awake the whole night to wash the dishes and besides, there's that Manchester United-Aalborg game at 0245h. Heh. But woe is me, I fell asleep at 0200h and only woke up at 0345h when Beg Mal came back from Geylang. And I still have yet to do them dishes! I slept at 5+am only to overshot and be woken up by Beg Mal at 0730h, and off to Masjid Istighfar we went.

And this was where I got my big surprise of the day. As soon as we finished our Aidilfitri prayers, I felt a tap from behind and someone sat next to me. I saw a man dressed in white jubah and turban, and yet I couldn't recognise him. Alangkah anjat boboi when I saw that it was my ex-classmate from Victoria School, DS! Now here's the thing. DS is half-Austrian and half-Chinese, and he was a freethinker. Last I communicated with him it was via Facebook, and he told me that he had embraced Islam. However, I don't think it sank in, because I was genuinely surprised at the change that I saw in him. Somehow there seemed to be a glow about his already pale Caucasian skin.

As we talked, the conversation naturally turned to how and what caused his conversion to Islam. To my utter surprise, he said (in excerpt)

"I have to thank you for what I am now. Remember our conversations over IRC (that was like when I was 14 uh!) and during our free periods? We used to talk about religion. And of all the people over the years that I've had talks with about Islam, the ones I had with you stuck with me most. It accumulated, and with other factors added in contributed greatly to me choosing Islam. Your talks about the punishments in the grave in the afterlife made me more curious about Islam."

SUBHANALLAH. We used to talk about religions alot in the past, but never did it cross my mind that 7 years down the line, our paths would cross again with DS now a Muslim, and thanking me for whatever small role I played in him discovering Islam. ALHAMDULILLAHHH.

Now this is where the part about what I did on Raya morning comes in. We went off after prayers to hang around abit with 2 of Beg Mal's friends... at McDonald's. Aderker pagi² raya makan breakfast pat McDonald's. Haha. Malam Raya main bola pat Shell, pagi Raya makan McDonald's.

After visiting my Nenek at Tampines, we made our way to Teban Gardens to visit Yayi. My nephew Fikri, Beg Mal and I took my dad's car and I volunteered to drive, since Beg Mal was sleepy. Everything went well, and Beg Mal and Fikri had both fallen asleep at the back. I too, was getting drowsy, my stomach was full of food and the radio was belting out an old English song instead of lagu raya. I felt my eyes drooping, and that was insanely dangerous for I was on the extreme right lane on the highway doing 100km/h, and I really should be more alert. Eventually, I did fall asleep while driving, only to open my eyes just in time to prevent the car crashing into the railings dividing the highway. I was really shaken by that experience, and deep in me my heart was racing, because I was responsible for the lives of both Fikri and Beg Mal behind me. Alhamdulillah, God woke me up before anything serious happened.

Question: Do I look like I'm ripe for marriage? Do I exude an aura of 'Marrying soon?' Has my face somehow changed or maybe I look more mature now, and of marriageable age?

In the 5 houses I visited today, for some reason, in every house someone or other somehow asked me 'Biler nak kahwin?'. I mean, there's my 29 year old Beg Mal beside me and I'M the one they ask when I'm gonna get married? And it's pretty unnerving considering that the past raya just one year ago people were asking me if I'd finished my O-levels! From O-levels to marriage within a year... That's freaky. And these coming from relatives who are well... relatively close to me, and not some distant relation or something. ZOMG.

Anyway, to all those who've SMS-ed, called, or tried to contact me in one way or another today, I'm sorry for not being able to reply. And it's not because I action Fizah, it's my phone. As you all know it's all menstrual lately, but today it's WELL menstrual. I switch on the phone, I receive the SMSes, but I can't read them because as soon as I receive the SMS, my phone resets itself and I have to switch it on again. From early morning till now I haven't been able to crack this vicious cycle. Any help/tips anyone?

Last, but not least, saya, Zulhikam Bin Zullkefle ingin menyusun 10 strings... eh salah, ingin menyusun 10 picks... eh I mean ingin to arrange 10 fingers untuk humbly meminta maaf zahir dan batin kepada semua seandainya... andaikata... jikalau... misalannya... saya telah menyakat, menyakiti hati, menyinggung perasaan, membuat anda menstrual dan sebagainya. Harap terimalah mohon maaf dan keampunan dari saya, saya tidak berniat aper² perkara buruk. Salam muhibah dari patik ini, sekarang kita sama 0-0.

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN! =)

Sayu =(

Yesterday midnight I was blasting lagu rayas from my Creative Zen when Beg Mal burst in excitedly into the room, talking on his hp. Beckoning me to lower down the volume, only then it dawned on me that he was on a trunk call with my dad in Mekah.

Bless him, I spoke to Ayah and his voice was tinged with emotion as he heard my voice for the first time in weeks. It's only then that he told me in Mekah it's just been announced that Syawal has arrived, and they're celebrating Aidilfitri one day early, and I could hear the laungan takbir of the masjid in the background. Having experienced Aidilfitri in Mekah once, I could well imagine the atmosphere and emotions my parents were feeling. He was telling me that he was feeling sayu without the presence of his anaks and cucus. Ahhh...

So I sent an sms to Ayah and Ibu wishing them Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri and Alhamdulillah dapat bertemu Aidilfitri pat Mekah and I woke this up this morning to receive a heart-wrenching sms from Ibu saying that she misses us all so much and that she terbayang² our faces, and that that she was gonna solat Aidilfitri soon. An hour or so later, I received a call from Ibu and a wave of emotion washed over me as I heard Ibu sounding happy and yet at the same time she was cryin saying she's sedih because it's already raya over there and her children are not around to be with her. It really struck me then how much children mean to parents. Despite their children all being adults, and at 22 I'm the youngest, they still see us as their babies, especially to mothers.

I really miss my parents.

Family Buka

Had a CuzzenHencemJambu buka (why does everybody call it iftar?) at Bik Id's home on Sunday. Just as well, we needed to give some happiness to poor Raihan. He's discharged now, and at home, but he's stuck in a wheelchair to move, and he still can't feel his fingers. The poor boy was clearly happy with the presence of us cuzzens there. We potlucked for food, and wow... I ate more then I ever thought possible. Speaking of eating...

As I was standing around talking, Kak Muni approached me. She asked with a look of concern,

"Hikam, did you lose weight?"

"Yeah I did. I lost 4 kgs seh. How'd you know?"

"I can see it. It's very obvious. Why seh? Haven't you been eating?"

"Yeah, I can FEEL it too. I think its because of puasa la. Obvious? Is it because my face more cengkung or something?"

"No, not your face. It's your body. Especially around your chest area. I noticed it as soon as you entered the house. Please eat more..."

*GLUMS* That was the exchange between Kak Muni and me. Admittedly I've lost some kilos, but I didn't know that it was THAT noticeable. I've lost some meat... around my chest area somemore! Trained so hard, now it's deflated. Need to gain back my muscle mass. *DOOM AND GLOOM* That means I need to start stuffing myself once Ramadhan passes by. Hopefully with rendangs and ayam masak merahs and and... HEE. Ish. Healthy foods please.

And oh. As of today, I have

14 WORKING DAYS TO ORD! =D

NOW would you date a footballer?

Found this somewhere... And as a footballer, I whole-heartedly agree! =) Don't ya?

*Top Reasons To Date a Football Player*

1. We have the right touch.
2. We are used to scoring.
3. We can go in soft or hard.
4. We will make you scream for more.
5. Sweating is no problem.
6. Skill is definite.
7. We will play anywhere and anytime.
8. We can go for at least 90 minutes in at least 11 different positions.
9. We have tremendous stamina & endurance.
10. We dive straight in.
11. We are not afraid to get down and dirty.
12. We have good ball skills.
13. The build-up play can either be slow and patient, or fast and adventurous... YOU choose.
14. We know how to take it straight down the middle... and use the left and right too!
15. We slide in and out.
16. We always play with firm balls.
17. We dribble all over the playing field.. and THEN we shoot.
18. Fox in the Box is what we are often called.
19. We never fail to try to get the ball between someone's legs any chance we get.
20. ...And we do all these with just our FEET!

Armoured and Overgrown Rat?

Once again, Tekong never fails to surprise me.

There I was at 0545 am watching them botaks do 5BX, when all of a sudden the COS walked past the bootwashing point (scene of the the torture of a poor rat last week) and exclaimed excitedly. I had a feeling of dread wash over me, as I thought yet another rat was to make its unfortunate appearance. Looking underneath the grill of the drain, the size of what I saw shocked me. That's one big honkin' rat! Yet, the scaly texture and the flat tail meant something was amiss. That's no rat! That's a freaking ARMADILLO!

(You can tell it's a boy)

Fella was not that big for an armadillo I guess, and it was just ambling about minding its own business and alarming the recruits in the process and such. So freaking cute uh. Who would have thought an armadillo would wander about into our building?

Berjuang

Labbaikallahumalabbaik. Labbaikala shari kalakalabbaik. Innalhamda. Wanni'mata. Lakawalmulk. Laashariikalaa.

That few ayats will forever be instilled in my heart. And I look forward to the day I get to recite them again, on a journey, on a quest... on a pilgrimage to Mecca.

It's been 7 years now since I last visited the Holy Land, and 12 years since I first did. And that's far too long. And yet Alhamdulillah I'm VERY fortunate to have gone on Umrah the 1st time and managed to kiss the Hajjar Aswad, and on the 2nd trip there I managed to go Umrah akhir-Ramadhan and got to experience fasting in Mecca and celebrate 'Aidilfitri there in front of the Ka'bah.

Now, my parents have gone once more to berjuang for their ibadah, to answer God's call again, and to do another Umrah. My dad once told me he plans to try go on Umrah at least once every 2 years, and having done the Hajj once, Alhamdulillah so far he's managed to achieve exactly that. And Alhamdulillah my parents have reached Mecca safely, and are now in the midst of their Umrah... and will once more celebrate the 1st day of 'Aidilfitri there, before returning home. And as my elder bro recited the Azan before we stepped out of the house to send them off, my heart was heavy at the prospect of seeing my parents go, even though its for the sake of God.

So that's it then, a new Syawal is on the horizon, and this time, it's going to be just slightly different. Both my eldest bro and my sis are married now with their own families, and doubtless they will be spending at least the start of the day with their respective families. That leaves only Me and Beg Mal, the singletons, to start off Raya together. So I guess its just me-tenung-at-him, and he-tenung-at-me for the pre-sembahyang Hari Raya meal. Heh.

Here's to the safe return of my parents and the successful completion of their Umrah.

'Selamat pergi, Selamat beribadah, Selamat pulang'.

Amin.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to my sis!

Ur 26 now. And a mother. Hope you're not gonna be a makcik² yet.

That's why I bought that handbag for you. Hope its not makcik-makciky.

Stay a young and funky mama.

Ikam.

Kohesion Kebabai

Times like these I ask myself,

"Whattheheck am I doing here???"

I'm referring to of course, walking along East Coast Park at 0630 am in the morning. And to answer your question, I'm attending my unit's 'cohesion' activity. 'Come join us!' they said. 'Everyone is strongly encouraged to come and participate!' they said. 'A day of fun and games!' they said. 'Better attend or else you kena extra!' my Encik said. WTF.

So I had to grudgingly make my way to the meeting point. And what's on the itenary? A 6km run, followed by games. As usual. I really had no intention of running, but the presence of a bunch of CSMs and Warrant Officers sweeping the back meant that I had to run, like it or not. So I ran at walking pace, and when the opportunity arose, Asri and me skedaddled off and took a short-cut U-turn. Hahah!

After that it was games. I was selected as part of the soccer team. But the complete lack of interest to play was evident for all see, we wanted to lose so that everything could end fast, and we could go home fast. And that's saying something, for someone like ME not to be interested in a game of football. Anyway, what's the point of making people play football on sand when a nice grassy patch on which a good game of football could be played had been demarcated for people to play Frisbee instead??? Ye Gads!

After which, there was the celebration of September babies birthdays and we Muslims had to watch them consume this big honking chocolate cake. Geez.

I don't see the point of this whole 'cohesion' activity thing. From how I see it, its not making people very 'cohesive'. Because

1) Why the heck would anyone wanna gather at 0730 am in the morning at East Coast on our off/rest day when we've been seeing each other's faces everyday? If anything we need a break from seeing each other!

2) NOBODY... and I mean, NOBODY, wants to attend it. They're making us come back on our OFF day for goodness sakes. So why bother arranging for it in the first place? It only serves to menyusahkan the conducting company, who have to organize an outing for people highly unwilling to take part in.

3) It's the same old thing every 'cohesion'. A run, followed by games. Wow. Cohesivenyer. And for some reason there's ALWAYS a run. Whattheheck...

The hypocrisy of it all. 'Cohesion activity'. 'Strongly encouraged to come'. 'Fun and games and prizes'. And at the end of the cohesion activity, there's always a closing message saying something like 'thanks for attending and making this outing a success'. But we don't have a choice, because if we don't attend, or even come late, we're punished and awarded extra duties.

This only happens in ****. A check with my brother who was a police regular shows that even police don't have such occurences. Only **** practises this.

And talk about timing. Holding it during our fasting month and making us Muslims run and having an abundance of food and drinks in the meeting area, while we can only watch as the non-Muslims consume these. Sometimes I wonder if these people have brains.

Kohesion Kebabai indeed.

Am I an Accomplice...?

I'm an upset man.

I just watched my fellow colleagues... and humans... torture an animal. And I failed to stop them.

One of my colleagues managed to catch a rat (Tekong's infested with them) and soon enough there was a commotion. One by one they were fooling around with it, throwing it into a black rubbish bin and using air guns to spray at it and hose it down with water pipes, while at the same time excitedly discussing how to torture the rat.

I'm not a fan of rats either, they spread diseases and are dirty little animals, but to torture the animal? How F****N' sick is that?

The rat was terrified, its already lost part of its tail and was bleeding, and them sick colleagues of mine decided to drown the critter in the black rubbish bin with water that has been laced with industrial-grade Permathrine, a heavy-duty insect repellant we use to soak our uniforms in before going outfield. I tried my best to stop them, but I might as well have been trying to reason with a mob crowd, 'cos that's what they were, those f*****s. I couldn't stand it anymore, I left the place, I couldn't bear to hear or witness what they were gonna do to the creature.

Some 2 hours later when they were all busy playing PS2 in the company office, I decided to seek out the rat in the bin, and what I saw truly saddened me. The bin was 3/4 full of insecticide-laced water, and I saw poking out of the water a snout, the rat still alive after 2 hours of trying to keep itself afloat and breathing. Without anyone seeing, I poured out the water, letting the rat free, but unfortunately the rat was by now blinded and possibly poisoned. Instead of scampering off, it limped away from the sunlight indoors towards the other end of the wall. I tried to get it unsuccessfully get it to run away, but its too damaged to run or even escape. Eventually Encik's probing caused me to leave the rat, and I had hoped that no one would notice it hidden behind the bin. This was not to be, in the end the clerk found it, and caused another commotion, and last I heard they were torturing it with a lighter. I hope for its own sake the rat died. I couldn't bear seeing the kind of condition it was in after the soak in Permathrine, much less after being tortured with fire.

WHATTHEF*CK's WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! So what if it's a rat, reptile or insect, why do you guys like to torture every single creature you see? From burning worms and caterpillars, to trying to drown the rat in f*ckin' Permathrine, how could you guys be so heartless? So what if it's a rat, it's not its fault it was born a rat, it's just f*ckin' trying to live as how God created it! Why couldn't you guys just catch it and let it go, or even if you have to kill it, make it a quick one, so the animal doesn't have to suffer. Maybe you could say I'm being too sensitive. Or maybe it's because I've kept hamsters before and they might resemble a rat to people for all they care. But the fact is we're humans! We've been created with the power of reasoning, with compassion, and here I see my colleagues drunk with excitement, and giddy with laughter... at what? At the prospect of torturing a rat.

And you know what saddens me the most? The people most excited about torturing the animal were my fellow Muslims. They showed a complete lack of respect to the month of Ramadhan, a complete disregard to the fact that they were fasting (though some weren't) ,a complete lack of respect for God's teachings, and a complete lack of respect for a life that God created.

Curse you all. Nauzubillahiminzalik.

The March That Never Was

What am I talking about?

So's me and Redzwan (the other Spec detailed to do re-24km) were all set and ready to march off from the starting point at Tekong Stadium (we somehow managed to convince the supervising officer to go 60 rounds around the 400m track instead of to and fro Ladang and Rocky Hill) when the rain started falling...slowly. I volunteered to do the 1st ten rounds because I didn't wanna get caught in the heavier rain later on.

So I walked on, with my Creative Zen Vision hidden inside one of my pouches and borrowed black-coloured earphones from Redzwan for tactical purposes (mine is white... sungguh non-tact) all set to complete my 10 rounds before switching with him. The rain started pouring heavily now and I was absolotely freezing, this was no joke, Tekong Stadium faces the open sea, and the surrounding grandstand and buildings acted like a valley for the sea air to flow through. So I managed to go through 1 round when suddenly all of us were pulled over to the granstand only to be told that the 24 km was being postponed due to Cat 1 (lightning-risk weather).

Redzwan was laughing at me, all soaked and drenched while he was happy as bird, sitting on the grandstand SMS-ing his girlfriend. Argh. I was biding my time, tolerating it all because I was confident that he'll get drenched once Cat 1 is lifted and the 24km march resumes. However, soon it was declared that Cat 1 was extended til 2300 hrs and so the march was cancelled totally! ARGH!!! Me and my semangat volunteer to march first. Geez.

So in the end, me and Redzwan ended up playing RISK with Asri while I blasted Hari Raya songs from my MP4 player in the company office. And we ended up playing and not sleeping the entire night! No wonder till now I'm feeling 'high'... light-headed more like.

Tomorrow I'm on off! =)

Smite 'Em All!

ARGHHH. Why is my luck so rotten??? Just when I thought I've walked my last-ever 24km, my 2IC said there's a re-24km to be held for them botaks who missed it, and 2 commanders must escort them. And guess what? MY NAME was arrowed. WHATTHEHELL. Usually ORD personnel are cut some slack, but it seems the nearer I get to ORD the more arrows keep flying my way. As it is I've already did the re-16km. Now I'm doing re-24km. Whatthe... Smite all them arrowing colleagues of mine! Smite them recruits who missed the 24km and caused this re-24km! Smite 'em all! And guess what. It's to be held tomorrow NIGHT at 2100hrs, all the way to an ETA of 0700am SUNDAY morning la sia. That means I'll most probably have to rush through buka, miss my Maghrib, miss my Isyak, miss my Terawih, sahur while on the move, and miss my Subuh ALL BECAUSE OF SOME STUPID FLYING ARROWS HEADED MY WAY.

Ni dah bukan arrow lagi, ni dah MISSLE la sak. A big, figgin' Inter-Continental Ballistic Missle (ICBM).

Buat bertenang Hikam, mengucap, kau tu tengah puasa, bersabarlah.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Mgngmnmgngmnmgngn. ghafilash.

Lengit la sey, LENGIT

Gahhh. It's quite THE chore to wake up for sahur today I tell you.

24km yesterday ended something like 1230 am after some 10 hours on foot, so zapzupzapzup gedebak-gedebuk send in my rifle, mandi qada' 4x waktu sembahyang + terawih all by the time I went to bed it was 0100+.

AND 0430 AM is the time to wake up!!! That plus the weight I had to carry while marching explains why it was extremely lengit for me to wakeup for sahur today -_- '".

Goddarndoublebongoky Encik of mine decided to unilaterally strike off one day off from us, regardless of whether we actually went for the off or not, and THAT is pain, my friend. That explains why I find myself at home on a Tuesday afternoon, don't wanna waste the off. And he's gonna potong one day off despite the fact all of us were too shagged to wake up and left on the 11oo am ferry! That should be like only minus a half-day off uh! Mgnmgnmgnghafilash.

Had a very interesting phone chat with Nis just now. How incredible is it that almost every single person she knows is a friend/relative/acquantaince of mine in some way. What a small, small world. Makes me wonder just what else is in store for me...

Gonna buka soon. Selamat Berpuasa to all!!! =)